You’re not as ____ as you think you’re.

You are sinking but it is not like you are trying to swim. You don’t feel the sudden rush of adrenaline in your body. You feel calm. It is almost like you have come to terms with it. A peaceful acceptance.

But you see a light shining from above the water. For a moment you actually smile. Then, you spot people swimming, having fun, laughing, being happy and you immediately want to be there. You feel the sudden need to move your body and start swimming to the top. But once you are at the top, you are struggling to stay afloat. So, you let go. You are back to where you started. This time, feeling even worse.

Depression creeps upon you quietly. It becomes a part of you. It feels like the weight of the world is resting on your chest, refusing to get off of you. It is like a headache that everyone tells is temporary and will eventually pass. But it is not. You’re stuck in this state of mind and get used to putting on a social mask and your best fake smile.

You live among people, trying to look happy because that is what you have to do. That’s what others expect you to do… However this headache just doesn’t seem to go away and slowly this play starts to cost you more and more everyday.

All satisfaction is gone and every little thing that brought you joy seems so worthless. Life seems worthless.

Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. You feel as though you can never be happy again, you feel completely and utterly blank.

But there is a part of you that wants to make everything right again. A sudden upsurge of positivity that makes you want to go out, talk to people, laugh, be happy again.

But..

It is all for a small period of time until you realise this is not going to work anyway.    So, in the end you choose to be alone in your own comfort zone where no one asks you questions.

The low self esteem and lack of purpose become unbearable and you finally realise that you can’t keep going this way.

You are left with two options..

Out of which one can never be a choice. Giving up should never be considered.

So you get up and get help. You get help because no one deserves to feel this way. To feel so numb that it is hard to even believe you are human. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to find yourself again.

And you will.

So, fight.

You weren’t born a warrior and you were never meant to go to wars like these. No one is. So, it is ok to loose a few battles. It is ok to feel like you are too wounded to try again. But, get up eventually and never stop fighting. Brush the dust off of your clothes and walk like you are going to end this play forever. Walk like you are going to win this shit.

Why?

Because, you’re not as ________ as you think you are.

-SHS

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