It is too late now.

“Why? Why didn’t you tell me that you tried to kill yourself?” I scream as soon as he opens his door for me to step inside. He looks taken aback for a split second but he quickly recovers.

Come in, he tells me and so I do. He gestures for me to sit on his bed and when I do, he kneels down in front of me and takes my trembling hands in his. He is examining them like he is going to find the answers to all my questions right there.

He then looks me in the eye and says, “It’s nothing. I just get into these black moods once in while. This time worse than the others.”

I almost believed him.

“And you didn’t think I deserved to know? Why don’t you just talk to me or anyone? We can go get help. We should go get help. Come on, let’s go. Now.” I start pulling him by his wrist but he suddenly snaps and I let go.

“No. I don’t think I want to talk to you or anyone about this. Not now, not ever.” His tone is cold, he isn’t angry anymore which is worse because it feels like he doesn’t feel anything as he is saying these words to me. Without me wanting to, tears find their way down my cheeks and now, I am full on sobbing. He pulls me to his chest. I can hear his heart beat, it is as eratic and feverish as mine but he is stiff. He is doing this to make me feel better but it isn’t a two way thing anymore. My presence doesn’t make him feel better the way his makes me. When I don’t stop crying he sighs.

“I can’t think straight with you crying here. The doctors said I need to rest.”

I looked at him with disbelief.

“Good, I think I can help you with that.” I turn and walk away. I half expect him to follow me because we love each other; even though we never said it out loud. But he doesn’t.

It has been over 3 months since we last spoke and now I am starting to think he has moved on. I don’t get to see him anywhere, his mom said he left town for a while. I didn’t think too much of it until one night I get a call from his sobbing mother.

It was a car accident she said. He oversped and didn’t turn in time she said. He didn’t make it she said.

I wanted to believe that. I desperately did. But the text he left me at 1:34 a.m. half an hour before she called told me a different story. He said his goodbye like he knew he would never be able to tell me these words again.

Regret.

What if I had not let go of his hand? What if I had just hugged him and told him everything would be fine? What if I had just listened to him for once? What if I had insisted on taking him to a doctor even if he was being extremely rude? What if I had just asked him if he was okay? What if I had just been there for him? What if I had just taken his hands in mine and told him I cared? What if, what if, what if, what if….

What if I had just kissed him and told him that I love him?

Would he still be here?

He said that he loves me and will always do even if he won’t ever get to show it to me.

He said that he loves me…

It was not an accident.

***

Why does it take for someone to die for us to realise how important the people around us are, how important it is to tell them how much they mean to us and how important it is to speak out your mind and heart without holding even a thought back?

Why do we realise that we are taking life and relationships for granted only while mourning over someones death?

And when we do realise, all that we are left with is regret. It is too late to do anything and say anything now.

Nobody knows what are going to be the last words spoken to you or what are the last words you’re going to speak to someone.

An argument with your mom, a fight with your friends, or any other thing for instance can ruin two lives just by one leaving this world.

Why give yourself an opportunity to regret anything when you can mend relationships and find solace?

It doesn’t take a dollar to ask someone you love whether they ate their lunch, it doesn’t take a dollar to tell someone you miss that you miss them, it doesn’t take a dollar to hug your parents and tell them that you are grateful for everything they are doing for you. If you are not satisfied with the conversation you last had with someone, ring them up or leave them a text.

It doesn’t take a dollar.

Tell what you feel, now.

Say it before you run out of time.

Say it before it is too late.

Life is literally too short to not tell what you feel or to not be happy. I don’t think any of us actually understand the seriousness of this statement.

Do it now.

Waiting is a mistake.

Relationships or people, there is a built-in ending for everything in this world.

Time is ticking away.

Don’t wait for a ‘it’s too late now’.

–SHS