Battle scars.

Pain.

Does pain make you turn away from yourself?

Pain makes people turn away from almost anything. It is such a simple word but such a complex feeling. 

Pain can make you do things you would never have imagined to do. Such as, reaching out for the sleeping pills hidden in the drawer of your side table or tying a scarf around the fan on your bedroom ceiling just to stand in front of it and give in the idea of actually taking a step forward.

Pain… unlike other feelings has no upside or positivity to it.

It is just a simple word.

A word that can make you feel lucky enough to have better days ahead of you or make you feel miserable all your life.

The only time this pain seems to fade away along with the entire world is when the small sharp metal in your right hand is stained with red liquid like substance. Blood. When your entire body is covered with scars only you know of. When you get that small tingling feeling in your gut everytime the blade touches your skin. Or when you give up on anything and everything to become numb because that feels better. It feels better because just when you finally breathe again thinking that pain is a yesterday’s problem, reality hits you and you understand that it is a today’s problem and will be a tomorrow’s problem. 

You hide yourself with a long sleeved tee because you are scared people will judge you.

You think of an explanation every time the blade comes in contact with your skin for your “illogical behaviour”.

You try your best to not be noticed till you heal and are left with a few scars just so that you don’t have to listen to people ask why you didn’t just talk to them.

You didn’t talk to them because you didn’t feel like you had to.

You hide away when really you should be flaunting every part of it. 

It is not a scar you got by being “irrational”.

It is a battle scar.

A scar you got by wining the battle of not giving up on life forever.

They really are an asset and not something you should be ashamed of.

Yes.

Yes, you have self harmed.

Yes.

Yes, you have felt a lot of pain.

And yes.

Yes, you are still here. Going to wars with yourself. And winning.

Pain might be a forever thing but all we can do is try, because nothing feels better than having a choice of ending your life and choosing not to.

” ; “
-SHS

P.S. I am not telling you to continue or consider self harming and not open up to people.

Of course it is wrong to self harm. Your body deserves better. There are more counsellors around than you think there are. Hell, I could be your counsellor if it helps.

But if you are embarrassed or scared about what people would think of it, you shouldn’t be. The right people are never going to judge you. If you had no other choice, it is acceptable. 

Anything besides giving up on your life is worth the shot, isn’t it? Take as many chances as you can. Make as many mistakes as you want to. But, never give up.